Redefining Control: How Optional Chores Transformed Our Family

Hey there, fellow chaos wranglers! Welcome back to Taming Tornados: Taming the Storm, where we navigate the wild adventure of raising six neurodivergent kids under ten. Yes, six. Yes, under ten. Please send coffee.

Today, I want to dive into a topic that's been a game-changer for our family: optional chores. I know what you're thinking. "Optional? Chores? In what universe?" Stick with me, and I'll share how letting go of control actually helped us gain it back, and why empowering our kids with choices has made all the difference.

The Balancing Act of Parenting

We refuse to let our children run wild without responsibilities. Our goal as parents is to raise productive and respectful adults. Whether it's right or wrong, we measure our success by whether our children understand and implement right and wrong. It's a delicate balance between giving them the carefree childhoods we had—running wild and having fun outside—and keeping them safe in a world full of new dangers and challenges.

So how do chores fit into this? We started treating chores like a job. There are non-negotiables: basic necessities like making their beds, putting away laundry, personal hygiene, and keeping their rooms clean. But beyond that, we wanted to give them autonomy to build critical thinking skills and self-motivation. By doing so, they're making choices and forming habits that will impact their futures.

Taking the Leap into Optional Chores

One of the questions our counselor asked when we floated this idea was, "Do you really think they're going to even try?" Honestly, we didn't know. We were tired of fighting them all the time and our home looking like a literal tornado had run through it.

When we presented the idea to the kids, we put on our best smiles and sold the heck out of the new system. We offered up the things we didn't typically allow but that they constantly hounded us about. By keeping a positive attitude and "giving in," we made them feel like they were in charge—that all their hopes and dreams were within reach if they just did a few chores.

In our home, we set up the chores by room. Hanging at child eye-level is a set of chores related to each space. For example, our kitchen board has tasks like:

• Clear the sink
• Empty the trash
• Wipe down the table
• Set the table
• Sweep
• Mop
• Wipe down cabinets

We have boards like this throughout the house, giving the kids plenty of options to earn points. With as many kids as we have, there needs to be a plethora of opportunities. Whether you choose one of our prebuilt lists or start your own custom set, we recommend getting as many TaskTabs as you need to ensure a wide variety of chores. (Shameless plug: We've got you covered!)

The Surprising Results

We weren't sure what to expect, but the kids bought into it. They started making choices, taking initiative, and—gasp—doing chores without being asked! We've noticed some really positive changes:

• Self-Motivation: They earn points and get chores done without being hassled.
• Peer Encouragement: When one child starts working on chores, the others usually join in.
• Problem-Solving: They've begun to correct each other in constructive ways.
• Reduced Power Struggles: It gives them a path to get what they want, alleviating many conflicts.

It warms my heart when our four-year-old stops an older sibling's tantrum over not having a toy by simply saying, "Get points." It's become a common refrain in our house, and it makes me feel a lot less crazy.

Adjusting Along the Way

Of course, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. One of the biggest misunderstandings we had was the kids expecting us to drop everything the minute they hit their points for a reward. But we took that as another opportunity to teach patience.

We've also had to constantly adjust the rewards. Kids' interests shift like the wind, and what was enticing last week might be "boring" today. Don't worry—if you pay attention, your kids will give you the answers. For instance, I've been asked to have a Nerf gun war almost every single day for a month. Guess what's going on the new rewards chart?

Letting Go to Gain Control

This was a major shift for me in my parenting style. I admit, I'm no fan of gentle parenting. There's still something inside me that cringes when a child talks back or is disrespectful—it makes me feel like an absolute failure as a parent. But this system has helped tremendously in removing the fights and power struggles that often come with parenting.

By giving them some autonomy, we're building critical thinking skills and motivation. They may think they're running the show—and in a way, they are when it comes to chores. But here's the kicker: they were already running the show before, just in a more chaotic way. Now, the control they have is structured and leads to positive outcomes.

Parenting Lessons Learned

We've learned so many valuable lessons along the way:

• Embrace Flexibility: What works today might not work tomorrow, and that's okay.
• Self-Care Is Crucial: Taking care of ourselves allows us to better care for our children.
• Every Child Is Different: One-size-fits-all doesn't apply in parenting. Tailor your approach to each child's needs.
• It's Okay to Ask for Help: Whether it's from professionals or fellow parents, seeking support is a strength, not a weakness.

Breaking the Cycle

We're a family that's been struggling with the fallout of mental health issues and the complexities it brings to parenting. We're also working hard to break intergenerational traumas. It's not an easy task, and we've failed more times than we'd like to admit over the past decade.

But every stumble has taught us something new. We're not experts, and we're certainly not perfect parents. We're just doing our best, learning as we go, and trying to offer our perspective in a way that's honest and attainable.

Supporting Other Parents

We know how isolating it can feel when you're struggling. That's why we want to support other parents who might be going through similar challenges. Here are some pieces of advice we've found helpful:

• Give Yourself Grace: You're going to make mistakes. Own them, apologize when necessary, and move forward.
• Trust Your Instincts: You know your child better than anyone else. Do what feels right for your family.
• Ignore the Naysayers: There's always going to be someone who thinks they know better. Focus on what works for you.
• Build a Support Network: Connect with others who understand your journey. Sharing experiences can make a world of difference.
• Take Care of Your Mental Health: Your well-being impacts your parenting. Don't neglect it.

Final Thoughts

Letting go of strict control over chores was a leap of faith, but it's led to a more harmonious home. Our kids are learning responsibility on their own terms, and we're experiencing fewer power struggles and more cooperation.

Remember, parenting isn't about perfection; it's about progress. Celebrate the small victories, learn from the setbacks, and keep moving forward.

Join the Conversation

Have you tried making chores optional or giving your kids more autonomy? How did it go? Share your experiences, triumphs, and even your hilarious fails in the comments below. Let's support each other in this wild journey of parenting.

Stay Tuned

In our next post, we'll delve into "Self-Care Isn't Selfish: Why Taking Care of Yourself Makes You a Better Parent." We'll share our personal experiences with mental health and how prioritizing our well-being has positively impacted our family.

Until then, keep taming those tornadoes, one optional chore at a time!

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P.S. We're all in this together. And if anyone figures out the secret to parenting without ever feeling like a failure, please let me know.